


NEETforce: The Podcast

by mikawritesthings



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Multi, Original Character-centric, Plot Twist, Script Format, Shitty bosses, Slow Burn, across the pond so to speak, definitely not about polygon, in-universe but like, like a wacky workplace sitcom, only fucked up, only vaguely ties into canon, original plotline
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:09:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22854496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikawritesthings/pseuds/mikawritesthings
Summary: Before its collapse, popular game journalism site Render had a little-known behind-the-scenes podcast known as "NEETforce," starring four of its most valuable staff.Using transcripts of NEETforce's remaining audio, former Render employee Dante Elsinore attempts to retell what exactly went wrong at Render--and what they were trying to hide.
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Female Character, Original Male Character/Original Nonbinary Character
Comments: 7
Kudos: 6





	1. Episode 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hokay, welcome!  
> As the tags may have suggested, this is *technically* in the TMA universe, without any significant interactions with canon characters. However, the Entities are still very much here.  
> It won't be obvious in Episode 1, since I'm mostly just using that for better establishing backstory and characters.

My name is Dante Elsinore. I’m a former journalist for the now-defunct gaming website Render.

I’m sure you have heard rumors about  _ why _ exactly Render went defunct. Rumors of the supernatural, of people turning into monsters. And I’m here to tell you: they are all true.

Since the end of Render, I’ve been collecting and archiving all its content for safekeeping. I’m not worried about losing all traces of Render’s existence (the Wayback Machine exists). Far from it. I have reason to believe that some former editors at Render are working to permanently delete all evidence of four prolific employees: Drake “ShinyPorygon” Lestrade, Amy “htmelle” Steele, Juno “sugarcherrypopsicle” Clay, and Lux “sollux_laoban” Mai.

All of these people are currently missing, presumed dead.

The four of them had a podcast together, titled  _ NEETforce _ . It was meant to serve as a behind-the-scenes discussion of working at Render. It is through archived transcripts of this podcast that I hope to retell both their story, and the truth about Render’s demise.

I’ll begin with Episode 1.

(begin transcript)

[laughter, sounds of shuffling]

LUX: Are we on? Are we--

DRAKE [crosstalk]: This fuckin’ mic doesn’t even have a--

JUNO: Guys, guys, it’s fine. We’re on.

AMY: Wow, that’s one hell of a way to start off a podcast.

LUX: [laughs] Yeah. “Hey everyone, come listen to our new podcast. Episode 1 is just half an hour of us fiddling with the mics.”

DRAKE: I’m blaming y’all for this. Like, if this turns out to be cursed or whatever, we’ll just say that Amy is a witch and  _ she _ cursed it.

JUNO: Yeah, Amy, didn’t you call yourself a witch for a few years?

AMY: I only really dabbled in it. I got frustrated with the New Age-y pseudoscience way too quickly.

DRAKE: Oh god. Throwback to when Juno got signed up for, what was it, an essential oils pyramid scheme?

JUNO: They prefer the term “multi-level marketing.” Not to be confused with “men loving men” or “Marxism-Leninism-Maoism.”

LUX: Start. We have to actually start. Otherwise it’ll just be half an hour of this.

JUNO: God, I have got to brief you on actual podcasting. Anyway. [inhale]

JUNO: Hi, and welcome to the first episode of NEETforce, a behind-the-scenes podcast about what it’s like to work at Render.

JUNO: I’m your host, Juno Clay.

AMY: I’m your other host, Amy Steele.

LUX: I’m your editor, Lux Mai.

DRAKE: And I’m Drake Lestrade.

[beat]

DRAKE: Shit.

[laughter from all except Drake]

DRAKE: I should probably do that again.

LUX: No, we are keeping that in there.

DRAKE: I genuinely can’t believe Rosanne is letting us do this.

LUX: You don’t have to be that harsh. She’s, like, a “cool boss.” We just can’t say anything like--

AMY: “Rosanne Spinner, editor-in-chief of Render, is stinky and I don’t like her?”

JUNO: Exactly. [laugh] Thanks, everyone, this has been the only episode of NEETforce! Now we’re all fired!

[laughter]

DRAKE: Ohh, man. Okay.

DRAKE: So where do we start? Like, with what each of us actually does?

LUX: I think so.

DRAKE: So, one of the things that sets Render apart is that we have a lot of illustrations, and comics and so on. Most of the comics you’ll see are by me.

LUX: Yeah, Drake is our “comics guy.”

AMY: A more accurate term would be “illustrator,” I think.

JUNO: No, no, I think that’s funnier. Just, just picture this: he types up his resume, and under “experience,” he just writes “comics guy.”

LUX: Hell yeah. Instantly hired. They just give you the gold watch and, like, the corner office or whatever right away.

AMY: What--what kind of workplace are you even picturing right now?

DRAKE: Whatever the hell they had going on in  _ Better Off Ted. _ Remember that show? I do.

AMY: Anyway, I’m one of the head writers for Render, as well as the cohost for  _ Girl Gamers _ , a much more, ah,  _ organized  _ podcast.

JUNO: Aw,  _ Girl Gamers _ is a mess and you know it.

JUNO: I’m the  _ other _ cohost of  _ Girl Gamers _ , which, by the way, is a gender-minority-centered game review podcast.

LUX: Allegedly. 

JUNO: I’m also the host of the webseries  _ Weird Speedruns _ , where I do things like play  _ Halo _ missions modded so that my Xbox crashes if I take damage.

AMY [softly]: It’s always  _ Halo _ .

LUX: I’m one of the main video editors at Render. I mostly wind up working on Juno’s content, although a lot of stuff from Dante Elsinore has been coming my way recently.

AMY: Ah yes, Dante. Or as some people have called them--

DRAKE: “Offbrand Brian David Gilbert?” “Like the lesbian version of a twink?” “The Tumblr husband of the new decade?”

LUX: Dude, are you reading comments at us?

DRAKE: These are all things that we have said about them. To their face.

[laughter from all, but mostly Lux]

JUNO: Dante, if you’re listening to this, I am so sorry.

AMY: Okay, let’s, ah, [laugh] let’s get to the first order of business.

AMY: “How did you all get your start?”

DRAKE: This also kinda ties into  _ why  _ our podcast is named NEETforce. ‘Cuz like, we’re obviously  _ not  _ NEETs--

LUX: Anymore.

DRAKE: Anymore, right.

LUX: So, um, a few years ago, Tumblr was imposing a website-wide ban on “adult content.” A lot of people jumped ship; most people just moved to Twitter, but a few people were trying to find alternatives that had the same layout and stuff.

LUX: I was looking at this, and I was going like, “on the one hand, I also like Tumblr’s layout, but on the other…  _ none  _ of these ‘alternatives’ are gonna catch on.”

LUX: So what I did was slap together some HTML and make a “Tumblr alternative” of my own… but as a  _ satire _ . I called it “3chan.”

JUNO: And people  _ loved  _ it.

DRAKE: Yeah, most people were on there unironically.

AMY: That’s what was most impressive to me. A website with a scrolling banner at the top that changed every so often, once saying “big anime titties,” was more functional than the thing it was making fun of.

LUX: I’d be flattered normally, but that was the  _ opposite _ of what I wanted.

LUX: But like, people lost interest very quickly. To the point where--

JUNO: The four of us were literally the only active users.

DRAKE: And--and we called ourselves the “NEETforce.”

AMY: Then someone here at Render wrote a thinkpiece about it, and we suddenly got a huge amount of Internet attention.

JUNO: So we plugged our Soundclouds--

[laughter]

DRAKE: I mean, that’s kind of what we did? Even at the time, we were all in the very small niche of, like, left-wing YouTubers who talk about dumb shit for, like, half an hour at a time.

DRAKE: So that plus more attention equals success, and… getting jobs? Question mark?

AMY: Really, it was a combination of good timing and sheer dumb luck. I like to remind aspiring content creators that social media is not a meritocracy.

LUX: Right, right. Worrying about the number of hits you get will only, like, feed your Internet addiction. Just--

DRAKE: Look, look. We can moralize later.

LUX: Alright, I’ll save the boring life lesson for episode 2.

JUNO: Okay, let’s see...Second order of business. “What did you do before Render?”

DRAKE: I was a PokeTuber.

JUNO: There’s a term for that?

DRAKE: I’m pretty sure? I talked about Pokemon on YouTube.

LUX: And you drew them.

DRAKE: Yeah. The thing that I think, uh, set me apart, was that I had little animations--well, not  _ animations _ , but little drawings that kinda bounced around. And I drew them all myself.

LUX: You also had bad opinions.

DRAKE:  _ Listen _ \--

JUNO: “Sinnoh Remakes Are Never Happening?!” I’m surprised you didn’t get, like--

AMY: Boiled in oil like that one episode of  _ Avatar _ ?

LUX [crosstalk]: Sent to Bad Opinions Jail?

DRAKE: Listen, I’m right.

AMY: That’s debatable, but okay.

AMY: I’m one to talk, though. I started out as a generic makeup artist, but with  _ goth  _ makeup. Then I started to use my Get Ready With Me videos to critique the beauty industry, and then  _ that _ devolved into talking about video games.

JUNO: And your opinions.

AMY: And my opinions.

JUNO: And Homestuck.

AMY: Hey!

JUNO: Yeah,  _ Weird Speedruns _ actually existed before Render did, and I guess it’s what got me popular? That, and being what Amy calls a--

AMY: “Lesbian e-girl.”

DRAKE: What’s an e-girl?

AMY: The definition seems to change every few months. I think in Juno’s case, it’s because she plays video games on social media and wears pink.

LUX: Do e-girls even have to  _ play _ video games?

JUNO: I have no idea. Let’s move on.

LUX: Okay, mine is simple: I made YouTube Poops.

JUNO: Really  _ good  _ ones, though. They should’ve, like, gotten you into film school.

LUX: Sure, sure. I go to submit my application, they open it up, and the first thing they hear is “pingas.”

DRAKE: And they just, wordlessly send you your diploma.

[laughter]

JUNO: Oh, God. Okay. This--this podcast was a mistake.

(end transcript)

The rest of this episode is largely irrelevant for our purposes. Still, I included Episode 1 to better establish who the NEETforce is, and what exactly they do at Render.


	2. NEETforce: Episode 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start to get weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I've finally gotten the inspiration to continue...whatever the hell this is.

From this point onward, each episode of NEETforce, when accessed from sites such as iTunes or Stitcher, is significantly corrupted; nearly every episode is completely unlistenable. Officially, NEETforce was discontinued at Episode 3 due to these problems.

However, a significant amount of digging has led to a discovery: there are quite a few more episodes buried in Render’s website. I'm still unsure as to whether or not they were intended to be found at all, as the address where I found them was... _awkward_ to locate.

It’s also important to mention that the audio corruption in question practically disappears when the episodes are downloaded as mp3 files. This took much more work than I expected; the webpage where they were archived is formatted as if to discourage downloads.

At the end of Episode 2, the tone of NEETforce abruptly shifts. This shift in tone, starting about 20 minutes in, is also where the audio corruption starts. Nonetheless, I’ve included the other two-thirds of Episode 2, slightly edited for length and clarity, in order to provide context.

[intro music: an instrumental clip from “Sick Beat” by Kero Kero Bonito]

JUNO: Hi, and welcome to NEETforce, a behind-the-scenes podcast about what it’s like to work at Render.

JUNO: I’m your host, Juno Clay.

AMY: I’m your other host, Amy Steele.

LUX: I’m your editor, Lux Mai.

DRAKE: And I’m Drake Lestrade.

AMY: I think we should start the episode off by--

LUX: Oh, God.

AMY: I think we should start the episode with a very, ah,  _ memorable _ quote from Lux earlier today.

DRAKE: I don’t think I was here for this.

JUNO: I wasn’t here for this, either.

LUX: Listen, listen. In my defense, I was trying to--

AMY: You were sounding like an alien’s idea of “cool.”

LUX: I was  _ trying  _ to be  _ actually _ cool!

JUNO: I am  _ very  _ interested in whatever the hell you guys are talking about.

LUX: Okay, uh, context: So, earlier today, I was working, and--

JUNO: That’s doubtful.

LUX: Shut up! 

LUX: I was working, and Rosanne passed by, and she was like, “Just so you know, I’m rescheduling the editors’ meeting to Monday,” 

LUX: So I said… 

AMY & JUNO [simultaneously]: You said…?

LUX: [sigh]

LUX: I said, “Hell yeah, DIP me in ya Monday milk.”

[laughter from all except Lux]

JUNO: You were-- [incoherent]

DRAKE: Holy shit! You were, like, [laugh]  _ unironically _ saying this?

[Juno is practically wheezing at this point]

LUX: You’ll all be very sorry when that catches on.

JUNO: Okay. [deep breath] I, I need a second to recover.

AMY: First order of business. I don’t think we can talk about Render “behind the scenes” without at least  _ mentioning _ the basement.

LUX [dramatically]: The basement.

AMY: It’s a bit of a combination inside joke and urban legend. Render HQ has two floors  _ in use _ , but the rent also covers the basement, which--

JUNO: Is  _ incredibly _ haunted.

AMY: Or at least cursed. 

AMY: What makes it unique is that everyone who’s gone down there has a different take on what  _ makes _ the basement scary.

DRAKE: It’s, like, pitch-black down there. Every time I go in. Like, they say all humans have night vision. And you just have to wait for your eyes to adjust? But down there my eyes  _ never _ adjust.

AMY: There  _ is  _ a light switch.

DRAKE: Aw, see, that just kinda ruins the mystique.

AMY: Not to sound too cliche, but I always feel like I’m being watched down there.

JUNO: Like, by someone behind you, or…?

AMY: More as if the walls themselves had eyes.

JUNO: Gotta love the body horror imagery there.

DRAKE: It’s kinda funny, actually. I’m pretty sure Dante said the same thing?

AMY: I think what they said  _ was _ , in fact, that they felt someone standing behind them.

JUNO: But there’s, like, this door there that’s always locked. I keep expecting to go back and find it unlocked, but it  _ never is _ , and it drives me fuckin’ nuts.

LUX: I can’t believe none of y’all have mentioned the spiderwebs. That place is just floor-to-ceiling spiderwebs.

LUX: Well, okay. That doesn’t scare me so much as confuse me. How’d all those spiders even get in?

JUNO [softly]: I never see spiderwebs.

AMY:  _ I _ never see that door.

DRAKE: I.. never see… uh, anything.

[beat]

LUX [with an audible grin]: I have an idea.

DRAKE: Uh oh.

LUX: We all go down there together--

DRAKE [more emphatically]:  _ Uh oh. _

LUX: We all go down there together, and we bring those little portable mics that no one uses--

DRAKE:  _ Oh no _ .

LUX: And we see if there are still contradictions.

AMY: Explain your reasoning. Do you think this is something like a  _ quantum _ haunting?

LUX: No, no, I’m just trying to rule things out.

LUX: Scientific method or...something.

LUX [softly]: I dunno, I don’t even think.

JUNO: [snickers] That was, like, top 10 most stoner things you’ve ever said.

DRAKE: Wait, wait. Lux, aren’t you straightedge?

LUX: I  _ was _ , but I might have to start smoking weed after this, like,  _ just  _ to prove Juno wrong.

AMY: You know, I second the basement idea. It might be bad acoustics-wise--

JUNO: It’ll be  _ terrible  _ acoustics-wise.

LUX: But it’ll be just like Scooby-Doo.

DRAKE: Yeah, yeah. Just like--

DRAKE: Wait.

DRAKE: Do I have to be Shaggy?

AMY & JUNO [simultaneously]: Yes.

JUNO: Jinx!

[“whoosh” sound effect played to indicate a transition of scene]

JUNO: Okay. It is about 11:18 AM, and we are in the basement of Render HQ.

AMY: And Juno was wrong about the acoustics.

JUNO: [scoffs] No, I wasn’t. Do you hear that weird echo?

AMY: No. No, I do not.

LUX: Anyway, Drake’s got the flashlight, and uh--

JUNO: It’s a kind of bare-bones room. There’s a rough concrete floor, a bunch of boxes and junk, walls with a thick coat of paint--

LUX: In the  _ ugliest  _ shade of yellow I’ve ever seen.

JUNO: Yeah, it’s, uh, lowkey hurting my eyes. There’s also that door.

AMY: I can see something that may have once  _ been  _ a door. It’s obviously been painted over since.

DRAKE: Hey, these walls are a  _ nice _ shade of yellow. It’s, like, I could see some kid using a crayon in this color to draw a little sun...

[pause]

DRAKE: Do y’all hear that?

JUNO: Yeah, it sounds like…

[another pause]

LUX: Like someone very quietly trying not to laugh?

DRAKE: Yeah. You know, in horror movies, this is where the murderer would jump out and try to--

[Drake is abruptly cut off. We can hear what sounds like a yelp, but the audio cuts out before we can get an understanding of what’s going on.]

From here, the audio picks back up. This time, however, it sounds more like a candid recording, as the hosts are talking amongst themselves rather than addressing the audience.

DRAKE: It’s fine, y’all, it’s fine. I’m okay.

LUX: I was worried there. You sounded like there was an actual murderer.

AMY: Are you wearing cat ears?

JUNO: Oh damn, I didn’t know we had this kind of costume stuff. I could’ve used this for that April Fool’s episode.

DRAKE: Cat ears? I’m not wearing cat ears.

DRAKE: Also, why are y’all being so loud? 

[beat]

DRAKE: And _what are you staring at?_

AMY [sotto voce]: What the fuck?

[beat]

LUX: Hey, Amy, do that thing with the flashlight again.

AMY: Drake has a tapetum lucidum. His eyes are reflecting the light like…

JUNO: Like a cat.

[beat]

DRAKE:  _ What? _

From this point on, NEETforce’s episodes are recorded more as compilations of both candid audio and formalized interviews. It is never said outright who is cutting this audio together; some of the candid clips mention the type of information that Lux Mai would be... _ reluctant  _ to release to the public.


End file.
